Keep Your Hopes Up High and Your Head Down Low
by xStepOneIsYourHeartx
Summary: After all these years, will Andy finally find the happiness he deserves? (A saga of the 'I would die if you never got to know' fic) there will most likely be a lot of sad and depressing themes in this.
1. Chapter 1

"Andrew Clemmensen?" The doctor shouted. I stood up and followed her through to the room feeling nervous, this is the first time I'm seeing a councillor, I never did it when I was younger or when I was in Short Stack because I didn't want anyone knowing, Shaun knew, but I doubt he'd never give a rats shit ever again. I

sat down on the chair as the doctor took her seat at her desk, pulling out her book and a pen. I just stared at the ground nervously, I had a weird feeling inside of me, what have I gotten myself into?  
"Alright Andrew, today we're going to begin by talking about you, why did you come here today?"  
I stared at her and began to speak, being careful by the words I say "I came to get help, emotional help. No one knows how I am. Only one person, who doesn't even care anymore because he's turned into a complete asshole."  
"Who was this friend?"  
"Shaun"  
"What happened between you and Shaun?"  
I breathed deeply and exhaled "Shaun and I were together, closer than any friends should be, to the point where we were in some sort of relationship, but it just failed to work time and time again, he moved on and got a girl and once our band, Short Stack broke up, my life seems to just be an even bigger roller coaster and Shaun got jealous of me, or scared, I don't know. But it all just fell apart"  
"What happened to make Shaun upset?"  
"I got offered a gig on Neighbours, to sing a song to start my solo career, find a label to work by to get me back to where I was, anything. But Shaun got upset, I don't know why since he was with the same label that I got kicked out of, he writes and records music, he can play shows, he goes on radio and tv to promote himself, he writes music with talentless artists to make them somewhat talented and then he calls me a sellout for having one thing, one gig on a show that not many people watch anymore"  
"Maybe he could be like this because he's used to being the front man if I am correct?"  
"Yes, you're correct, he was the lead singer and guitarist from the band"  
"Now, before this day, had you ever been depressed?"  
"About grade 5 is when bad thoughts came to my head, my parents got divorced and by grade 6, mum got re-married and I never really saw my dad, I got picked on for being short and skinny, in year 7 I was happy it was a new school, but I still got teased, I had a few friends, not many, but we drifted by year 8, and that's where I met Shaun, we both went through a lot of shit, my step brother did get shit for being friends with Shaun and such but, I don't know, a lot of things happened that I don't remember we'll anymore, it was almost ten years ago. I remembered getting back stabbed and bitched about when the band was getting bigger, everyone gave me looks, gave Shaun looks for how the lyrics were "emo" and it was a pretty dark time, I was happy when school was over but of course, it just became a struggle to get through the day at points." I just realised how pathetic I was, how all that affected me, I got thick skin from being in the band, it saved me at least 5 times, but now I'm lost. This is why I'm getting help.  
"Andy, have you ever considered or have you harmed yourself in any way?" She said, she won't stop asking questions, she just asks and writes shit in her book. How is this suppose to help. There is nothing consoling about this, all I needed was someone.  
"Yes...I have actually"  
"Do you mind if I can see?"  
I sighed and took my bracelets off, she ran her finger over my wrist, examining the cuts and scars carefully then wrote something in her book.  
"So, what has happened for your wrist to be cut recently?"  
"My ex, she cheated on me a couple months ago and now she's just always on my mind and consumes every thought and the way Shaun doesn't care it became to much"  
"I see...that cut looks to have gone deeper" she said, pointing to one, the one I made a week ago.  
"Yeah..."  
"Have you ever tried committing suicide or have you had suicidal thoughts?"  
I paused there, what was I to say? I thought about it for a couple of minutes, I need to get help and obviously the only way is by telling the truth.  
"Yes"  
"When?"  
"I tried for the fourth time a week ago, second time this year, last tried before that a year ago, before that was during high school"  
"Do those thoughts still get in your head?"  
"Everyday"  
"I see..." She kept writing in her book.  
"Now, how is this going to help me?"  
"This is only the first part of the treatment, I need to get to know you and your struggles and I'm here to help you vent"  
"Alright" yeah, fuck this shit. I clearly need a friend, not therapy, there are friends and fans who care about me, but for fans to find out, would hurt them and my friends would probably just make it worse, like Shaun did. I'm just doomed.  
"Well, you definitely do have some depression and maybe some anxiety. I'll get tests in next week for you to try. Do you ever have trouble sleeping or drink a lot of alcohol, eat too much or eat too less?"  
"I always have a struggle to sleep and yes, I like to drink and my eating habits are all over the place"  
"What do you mean 'all over the place'"  
"I mean that some days, I sleep In too much, wake up and have a snack before going back to bed, sometimes I don't eat and sometimes I eat too much. It's weird"  
"Not at all. And this girlfriend you had, did you love her?"  
"I love her a lot, she was actually supportive until she cheated and then she laughed at me about the neighbours thing and also said that I'm pretty pathetic to be doing it, she agreed with Shaun. That was the weekend I went to Melbourne to record it and she came along, I was going to give we another go but it clearly just wasn't meant to be, I loved her"  
"Love is the worst thing for people suffering depression"  
"I know, but it's so hard, she was so beautiful" I looked down and felt my eyes sting from the tears of heart ache again. She was my savior for four months, then I lost her.  
"Alright, well our time is up for today. Stay strong and come by next week so we can do some tests and other things, speak about your family issues some more and your insecurities just to bring out all the dark thoughts. If you need to see me earlier then come by my office, I'm here most of the time."  
"Alright, see you"  
"Bye darling"  
I got up and walked out, back to the the car and drove to my new place. That has got to be the worst thing to ever happen to me, how does her knowing all my secrets help me. This isn't fair at all.  
I walked into my empty house I had bought a month ago. It's nice though, I like being alone. I have no screaming mother or baby brother and sister annoying me. I can just relax with me, myself and I and let my thoughts consume my head again, how was anything to help me. When I have a smile on my face but darkness inside. No one will get it, especially Shaun. All I want is to be how I was, play for fans and feel all the darkness become lighter. To think Shaun would understand that, when he doesn't. I crashed on my couch and sighed, closing my eyes, I only got three hours sleep last night. I started to drift into my nap. The thoughts in my mind still talking to me.


	2. Chapter 2

I put my glass by the sink and sighed. I'm always so bored, I need a life. I grabbed my guitar and lied down on the couch, playing a few chords. I wasn't even thinking really, but it sounded good. I sat up and pulled my writing book from under

my couch cushion, writing down the chords I was playing and the tune that went along. I have no words yet, eh, fuck it. I placed my guitar down and grabbed my remote, turning the tv on and watched it. I just stared at it. It was not one bit amusing. My phone vibrated on the table, I looked at my phone to see that Justine was calling. Fuck. I bit my lip and grabbed the phone, pressing answer and holding it slowly to my ear.  
"Hello...?"  
"Andy"  
"Justine? What do you want?"  
"I was just wondering if you'd like to come to a dress up party with me this Friday. Completely your choice of course but yeah"  
"Of course I'll come." I smiled. This is the first time I had spoken to her in a while and it felt good to speak to her, no matter how bad the past seemed.  
"Do you mind if I come around tomorrow just so we can hang and chat?"  
"Absolutely not. I'd love to."  
"Sweet" I heard a smile in her sweet voice  
"See you then" she said.  
"Bye"  
"Bye bye" and then she hung up, did she just ask me out or what? Maybe this is what I need. I need her. She's the best I've ever had. She's the most mature 20 year old I know. Shit, it's her birthday next week. I should get her something. Am I crazy? We aren't even together yet. Ugh. I rested my face in my hands and sighed. Justine's always on my mind. Every time she's almost gone a thought of her rushes back. Fuck love. I thought for a few moments, I need a good present, where's somewhere she really wanted to go...Thailand, I think I could afford that. I walked into my room and grabbed my laptop, opening it and going onto flight centre. $600. Shit. Fuck it, it'll make her happy, I wan her to have a better 21st than what I had.  
I purchased the tickets, the money's worth it. Thailand seems nice. I always said that I wanted to travel. I decided to go on twitter, I find it so boring and I'm never in a mood to talk to people and I never want to give away anything I plan to do. I searched my own name in twitter to find people getting all excited about me being on neighbours. Shit, I need to get on the Internet more often. I shared the link, I can't wait for it to be shown to the fans and I really hope they enjoy the music. After sharing it on the Short Stack band page. Shaun tweeted "lol" I felt pissed off suddenly. If he's upset because I shared something off the page when he does it all the time I swear to god.  
I got an inbox, saw it to be from Shaun.  
"I just love how the fans give me shit for sharing things off the page and then you do it and they're happy for you" I groaned and actually facepalmed. How was I to respond to that. I closed it then put my laptop down. And this is why I'm never on the Internet. Sick of the immature bullshit.

Night time is the worst for me. The more tired I become the more these thoughts overwhelm me. I hate it so much. Why can't I just be normal. My phone started to ring. I answered it, sighing.  
"Ello?"  
"Andy, you need to come to the hospital"  
"What, why?"  
"Because Chris had an allergic reaction to something"  
"I'll be there as soon as I can"  
"Alright dude"  
"See you" I hanged up the phone and grabbed my keys, running out to the car. I made my way to the hospital and ran into the emergency where my mum and Bradie stood.  
"What happened exactly?"  
"He had a biscuit that contained nuts" my mum said  
"Mum, you know he can't have any nutty products"  
"I didn't even know he grabbed it from the coffee table"  
I just sighed. "Where's Gerald?"  
"In there with him. Christopher didn't want dad to leave his side"  
"Shouldn't you be in there too?"  
"They wouldn't let me"  
Gerald came out and waved for mum to come, she left and walked in the room. I sat down and pulled out my phone, about to text Justine.  
"How are you?" Bradie said, sitting next to me, I quickly locked my phone and slid it into my pocket.  
"Alright" I said casually, looking at him.  
"Still fighting with Shaun?"  
Why'd he have to bring that up "we're not fighting, we just don't see eye to eye on things like we used to. "  
"I know, he told me"  
"Wait, you guys are still talking?"  
"He came by and had a drink with me and picked up his guitar I borrowed the other day"  
"And you didn't tell me!? Why are you even talking to him after what he's done"  
"He's still one of my best friends"  
"He's pathetic"  
"Andy, no-"  
"Shut up Bradie, I don't care anymore"  
"Whatever" Bradie sighed. His girlfriend, Britta came in moments later. I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Justine "I have a surprise for you tomorrow, can't wait to see you x"  
"Hey andy" Britta smiled at me, I smiled at her.  
"Hey..."  
"How have you been"  
"Yeah alright I suppose"  
"That's not too good then"  
"Eh"  
"Babe, we can go in now" Bradie said to Britta, I stood up and walked with them into the room.  
"ANDEW!" My little brother yelled, I smiled and went to him, scruffing his hair.  
"How's my little man?"  
"Good" he smiled and looked at the baby book the hospital gave him.  
Funny how even in this room full of family, I still feel alone.


	3. Chapter 3

I lied in my bed and stared at the roof. My house was so quite, so empty, shallow. It's just missing something, someone. I blasted Mayday Parade in my ears, if only I could write as beautifully as this. I pulled the earphones out as Terrible Things started playing. I heard knocks at the door. Shit, Justine. I got up quickly and pulled on my jeans, making sure my hair wasn't a mess and went to the door. I opened it and felt my heart skip a beat, she was beautiful.  
"Hey Andy" she smiled  
"Hey"  
"how have you been?"  
"To be honest? Shit."  
"Same here really"  
"That sucks"  
"Yeah"  
"Um, did you wanna sit and have a drink?"  
"Sure" she smiled and walked in, sitting on the couch.  
"Your place is actually looking better now" she smiled, I smiled with her.  
"Thank you. What would you like?"  
"A coke please"  
"Coming up" I went and grabbed two glasses, filling them up with coke. I sat next to her and set it down. She had a sip of hers and began to speak again.  
"Can I just start by apologising, again."  
"Don't. Everything happens for a reason" I smiled slightly.  
"Me cheating should never had happened. I became a bitch. I got confused. Turns out there was drugs in my drink"  
"So you got spiked?"  
"Yeah, not bad luckily"  
"Yeah...he's an asshole for making me feel the way I do"  
"I feel exactly the same"  
"Anyway...I got something for you, wait here" I got up and went to my room, looking through my drawers, grabbing the tickets then I made my way down the hall back to the beautiful girl on my couch with my hand behind my back.  
"Andy?"  
I got on one knee in front of her, freaking her out a little bit, a large but worried smile appeared on her face.  
"Andy, what are you doing?"  
"Justine, I want to make sure that your 21st is the best. And I really enjoy your company. So, Justine...will you, go to Thailand with me" I pulled out the tickets and showed them to her, my big, cheeky smile unmovable. Her face still lit up. I knew she'd love it.  
"Oh my god Andy. Thank you so much. But why?" She asked, grabbing the tickets from my hand.  
"I know that's the one place you really wanted to go, and I think you deserve a vacation"  
"And I'm going with you?"  
"Yep" I smiled, sitting back on the couch, she attacked me with a hug. I held her in my arms for a good minute, stroking her hair slowly as she just laid there.  
"Thank you Andy, again" she said.  
"anything for you, beautiful" I smiled again, she pulled away and looked at the ticket.  
"When do we go and when do we get back?"  
"Saturday till Friday next week I'm pretty sure"  
"That's six days. I can't believe you did this" she smiled up at me, I put my hand on her cheek.  
"Well you better believe it" we looked in each others eyes, I leaned down and kissed her slowly. She smiled under the kiss and pulled away.  
"What was that for?"  
"I just missed you, so much."  
"I missed you too Andy"  
"Be mine again and promise you'll never leave?"  
"I promise" she smiled, I smiled, a proper smile for the first time in months, kissing her lips softly again. I'm so happy I got her back.

Justine went back home an hour later. I sat on my couch, eating my 2 minute noodles watching Big Brother, giggling slightly remembering how fans thought I was going on there. No way that'd happen. I'm also never online because nothing that great is going on and I'll probably get asked about Shaun and if I was honest, Shaun would crack the shits at me and I don't want to be upset again. I'm never going back to the councillor, It hasn't helped me at all. But today, might've had to be the best day I had in a while, I got Justine back and Shaun hasn't given me shit, along with the rest of my family. I still remember how pitiful my mum was of me when she found out I was self-harming. That look on her face, she looked so disappointed, upset, heartbroken. And last week she found out about my suicidal thoughts. I ended up in hospital. It wasn't that bad though. Bradie just freaked out and took me. But I'll be fine. I'm not planing to leave for a while.  
I got into bed and put my earphones in, blasting music and closing my eyes in the pitch black room. I thought for a long time, those bad thoughts were drifting away. I had some hope, love. I needed to stop being so angry and upset. I'm a 24 year old man, I need to become a man and be the best I can be. Starting tomorrow, I'll throw out my blade and be positive. I can achieve whatever I want if I believe and I'll prove that to the ones who doubted me, Shaun.


	4. Chapter 4

I leave for Thailand tomorrow with Justine. We're at the party right now. I walked over to my mate Josh, having a sip of my beer.  
"Dude, I'm leaving for Thailand tomorrow"  
"Thailand? Fuck, no way. Why?"  
"Justine's birthday present from me"  
"Wait, you guys are back on?"  
"Yep" I laughed slightly  
"Congrats dude, hope it works out this time"  
"Same actually"  
We chatted bullshit for a few minutes till I eavesdropped on Shannon's conversation on the phone "yeah dude, I'm at a dress up party with the mates right now...Josh, Andy, Justine and I...yes, Andy and Justine...huh?"  
I turned to him and grabbed his phone  
"Is it Shaun?"  
"Yeah dude"  
"Fuck." I started making my way out the back with Shannon's phone.  
"Babe, what's wrong?" Justine asked.  
"Wait here." I went and sat on the bench, holding the phone to my ear.  
"Shaun."  
"Andy, what the fuck are you doing, especially with her, after what she's done"  
"Look, you're still with Brooke after what she did to you."  
"That's different though!"  
"It fucking isn't. Grow a pair"  
"How 'mature' of you Andrew."  
"Look Diviney, you're not as funny as you think you are, go tweet about me some more. I don't give a fuck. I love her okay? I haven't loved anyone like this since you, since I loved you I never found anyone and then I found her, can you just fucking leave it at that"  
"You know I don't like her"  
"You know I don't like Brooke either, she's part of the reason my life is a mess"  
"And Justine isn't?"  
"Fuck up Shaun. I swear to go-" Justine grabbed my phone "look Shaun, I don't think you get it when Andy says we're in love. You lost your opportunity and you have another girl, don't get fucking jealous about your best friend..well, old best friend trying to find his way back to where he was. He hit rock bottom, you had something to stabilise you so just get the fuck over it and grow up" she said then hanged up.  
"Thank you" I smiled at her.  
"It's okay lovely" she leaned down and kissed me softly. I kissed her back and smiled.  
"Let's go back inside"  
"Okay"  
We smiled and got up making our way back inside.

I woke up the next morning, next to Justine, I smiled. This was something I missed dearly. I don't remember much about last night but I do know that I feel so much better today. I posted the photo of me and Justine from last night on my Facebook, showing fans that me and Justine are still going and got up, pulling on some shorts, sneaking by Justine slowly as she slept and went and pulled the eggs, milk and flour from the cupboard and started to make her some nice pancakes, plating them up with whipped creme, melted chocolate and strawberries. I actually felt so good today, not one bad thought has entered my mind. I grabbed the plate and slowly walked back into the room, turning on the light.  
"Justine, wake up beautiful." I whispered. She groaned and slowly woke up, fluttering her eyes open to me, smiling.  
"Is that for me?" She said wit her croaky morning voice, I smiled.  
"Yep"  
She sat up and grabbed the plate. "This looks gorgeous. Thank you babe"  
"You're welcome gorgeous, anything else you wanted?"  
"A glass of water would be lovely" she smiled at me.  
"Coming right up" I smiled and went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water then brought it in for her.  
"I got you a bottle" I said, putting it beside her on the mattress, my bed has no actual bed. It's just a mattress on the floor at the moment.  
"Even better. Thank you, I love you Andy"  
"I love you too" I smiled with her.


	5. Chapter 5

We landed in Thailand. It's only about 4 hours behind and 7 hours flying, Justine wasn't used to the whole jet lag thing yet. We walked to our hotel room and put our stuff down. Justine laid down on the bed and yawned, I sat next to her and eagerly went onto twitter. I didn't post anything or reply, I went straight to Shaun's profile, scrolling down to see the tweet " dear twitter followers, i'm not as funny as i think i am. regards, diviney" is he for fucking real. What the fuck.  
"Babe, you okay?" She leant over and glanced at the tweet.  
"You need to stop going on twitter"  
She grabbed my phone out of my hands. I sighed slightly.  
"You don't need to listen to him, you don't need his approval to do things anymore"  
"But if I said no to neighbours we'd still be talking"  
"Forget about him Andy, if he's not going to be a true friend and try and fuck up your future then forget it. I'm proud of you and so is Joshy, Shan, Bradie, your mum and dad, everyone else is. Shaun is just jealous and afraid that no one will love him after they hear you"  
"I feel so bad though"  
"Don't" she put her hand on my cheek and kissed me softly. "I'm proud of you and love you very much, okay?"  
"Okay, love you too beautiful"

We fell asleep at around 5am, I woke up at around twelve, I smiled at Justine sleeping beside me. I shook her arm slightly.  
"Justine" I whispered.  
"Justine, wake up" I whispered again, Justine made a little noise before opening her eyes, she smiled at me.  
"Happy Birthday gorgeous" I said softly, putting my hand on her cheek and kissing her head.  
"Thank you Andy."  
"How do you feel being so old?" I giggled  
"Hey, if I'm old then that means you're ancient" she rolled me over playfully and leaned on me, I laughed and looked at her.  
"Nah man, I'm still an 18 year old kid" I moved a loose piece of hair behind her ear.  
"You wish"  
"Actually, I don't..but 21 was a great year for me and I hope it'll be the same for you" I smiled at her  
"That's when you and Shaun were really close aye?"  
"Yeah..it was perfect, but I've found better" I smiled and ran my hand up and down her arm.  
"You're so amazing, I swear to god" she smiled. I laughed.  
"I'm really not, come on, lets go and get some food to eat" I said, getting up.

Later that day, I walked Justine down to the beach. The sunset was beautiful and the weather was still warm. We sat on the beach alone.  
"It's such nice weather here" she said, lying down.  
"It is." I smiled and pulled out the tequila and shot glasses from Justine's bag.  
"Now, party for two?" I asked, she sat up and laughed. Sure, why not. She held her shot glass up, I filled then filled my own.  
"happy birthday to the most beautiful girl I know" I smiled, clinking our little glasses. She smiled and shot it down her throat as did I. The taste of tequila in my mouth.  
After a few, or a lot. I don't know. We watched the sun go down. I grabbed my phone out and sneakily went on twitter, looking at Shaun's profile again, I scrolled down to see one saying "lol" I pressed on it, Justine grabbed my phone again.  
"Do you want me to delete that app"  
"No"  
"Why do you need to know his every move?"  
"I don't know..I just want to know if he says stuff about me."  
"Well someone tweeted him saying "are you excited to see Andy on Neighbours" and he replied with "lol"...Andy, I don't think it's healthy for you to see this stuff"  
"He's a cunt...everything he does somewhat annoys me or upsets me. I miss my best friend, the one I was friends with in high school" I looked down, Justine wrapped her arm around me.  
"I know honey, but people change"  
"To the things I hate"  
"It's just how life is"  
"Well you better not change on me any time soon" I looked into her blue eyes, they were brighter than the moon.  
"I'm not going anywhere Andy"  
I smiled and put my hand on her cheek, kissing her slowly, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a necklace as we kissed.  
"Happy Birthday princess" I whispered, my head still to hers, placing the box in her hand, she smiled.  
"Andy, you really didn't have to, you already brought me to this amazing place"  
"You know I'd do anything for you"  
She looked like she was going to say something then looked down smiling, opening the box to reveal the silver necklace. Her face lit up as she looked at me, I bit my lip.  
"Like it?"  
"Like it? I love it, thank you so much." She leaned over and kissed my cheek.  
"Here, let me put it on."  
"Alright" she smiled and turned around, I bit my lip as I put the necklace on. It was perfect on her.  
"You look perfect." I whispered in her ear, massaging her shoulders slowly.


End file.
